Maybe you grew up in church the way Alex did. From Year 10 he was the reliable guy in the youth band – the one who turned up early every Friday night to set up the sound desk, tune the guitars, and make sure the click track was running smoothly. He coordinated the roster, encouraged the younger musicians, and could pray out loud without missing a beat. Everyone saw him as the steady, committed Christian kid.

Then uni hit.

Life got messy. A relationship fell apart. Friendship circles changed. The pressure of assignments and the pull of new social groups slowly pulled him away from Sunday gatherings. When COVID arrived and churches stopped meeting in person, the drift became a full stop.

Now, a few years later, Alex sits in his room wondering, “Was I ever really a Christian? Or was it all just habit and performance?”

He feels a deep shame when he compares himself to the “together” guys his age who still serve, still post Bible verses, still look like they have it all sorted. Going back to his old church feels impossible – he doesn’t want to face the questions or the awkward “where have you been?” looks.

Part of him wonders if starting fresh at a new church might be easier. But the bigger question keeps circling: 

“If Jesus really loves me, how do I even begin to ask for help? How do I know I have a real relationship with God and not just a religious past?“

If any of that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And the answer is surprisingly hopeful.

The Difference Between “Knowing About” and “Knowing” God

The Bible never says that growing up in church, serving on a team, or knowing all the right answers guarantees a personal relationship with God. Jesus Himself warned about this. In Matthew 7:21–23 He says that many people will call Him “Lord, Lord” and even do impressive things in His name, yet He will say, “I never knew you.”

That verse used to terrify me until I read it in context. Jesus is describing people who treated faith like a performance – exactly what Alex (and maybe you) are afraid they’ve been doing.

But here’s the beautiful flip side. Right in the middle of all that confusion, Jesus gives us the clearest definition of eternal life in the whole Bible:

“Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.” (John 17:3)

Notice the word know. In the original Greek it’s ginōskō – the same word used for the intimate knowing between a husband and wife.

It’s not “know about.” It’s not “have correct beliefs about.” It’s relational. Personal. Ongoing.

J.I. Packer, in his classic book Knowing God (1973, p. 37), puts it this way: “To know God is to be in a relationship of mutual love and delight with Him.” That relationship doesn’t depend on how long you’ve been in church or how impressive your past service looked.

What About the Shame and the “Was I Ever Really Saved?” Question

When someone drifts like Alex has, the enemy loves to whisper, “You were never really a Christian.” But Scripture gives us a much kinder and more honest way to think about it.

The Apostle Paul, writing to the church in Philippi, says:

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

Even if your faith feels cold and distant right now, if God sovereignly began a work in you all those years ago — through the youth band, the sound desk, and the prayers you once offered — then He has not abandoned that work. The God who effectually called you is the same God who has promised to complete what He started. 

The very fact that you are wrestling with these questions and longing for Him again is itself evidence of the Holy Spirit’s preserving grace at work in your life. He who began a good work in you will surely bring it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6).

Another verse that brings huge comfort in seasons of drifting is Romans 8:15–16:

“The Spirit you received does not make you a slave to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.”

You don’t need to tidy up your past or prove you were once “good enough” before you can come back and call God your Father. You never could have earned that relationship in the first place. 

What matters is not how sincere you once felt or how far you’ve drifted — it is God’s unwavering, sovereign grace that has always held you. Right now, the Holy Spirit is gently reminding your heart that you belong to the Father, not because of your track record, but because Jesus has claimed you as His own. He is ready to whisper again, “You are Mine.”(Romans 8:15-16)

Timothy Keller, in The Prodigal God (2008, p. 22), reminds us that the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son had been in the father’s house the whole time but never really knew the father’s heart.

Many of us who grew up in church can relate. We were in the house, but we never truly enjoyed the relationship. The good news is the Father is still running toward us – even after years away.

How Do You Actually Start Again – Practically?

You don’t have to go back to your old church if that feels too heavy right now. Starting fresh can actually be wise. Find a new community where you can be honest from day one instead of carrying the weight of everyone’s expectations.

But here’s the most important step: talk to Jesus directly and honestly. You can pray something as simple as:

“Lord, I don’t even know where I stand anymore. If I’ve never really known You personally, please show me. If I have drifted, please draw me back. I want to know You the way You want to be known.”

That prayer is not weakness – it’s exactly the kind of honest cry God honours (Jeremiah 29:13).

And yes, Jesus loves you enough to help you know what to do next. He doesn’t leave you guessing. The same Jesus who met the woman at the well in the middle of her messy life (John 4) is ready to meet you right where you are – shame, questions, and all.

A Gentle Way Forward

1.Pick up your Bible again and start small — maybe one chapter a day in the Gospel of John. Watch how Jesus gently meets people who feel far from God.

2. Reach out for help. Request a meeting with your church pastor and elders (or the leaders of a new church if you’re starting fresh). Be honest with them about where you’ve been and ask for their guidance on the next steps to help you re-integrate well into church life. They’ve walked with many people in similar situations and can offer wise, personal support.

3. Pray and seek God’s direction. Ask Him to clearly show you how to move forward. He knows your unique situation better than anyone. I understand that every person’s story is different — some situations and relationships carry deeper pain and greater challenges than others. There is no “one-size-fits-all” approach. What matters is that you take the next step with honesty and dependence on Him.

4. Find one safe Christian person you can be real with — whether that’s a mentor, a mature believer, or a small group. You don’t have to have it all figured out before you share your story.

C.S. Lewis captured this beautifully in Mere Christianity (1952, p. 52): “When you come to knowing God, the initiative lies on His side. If He does not show Himself, nothing you can do will enable you to find Him.”

But the wonder is that He has shown Himself – in Jesus. And He is still showing Himself to anyone who honestly seeks.

So, to Alex, and to you if you’re reading this and feeling the same drift: Yes, you can know God personally – even after years of church involvement, even after drifting, even after shame has tried to silence you.

He is not disappointed in you for asking the question. He is actually delighted that you’re asking.

Because the God who began a good work in you is still in the business of finishing it.

Points to Ponder

1.When you look back at your own “church years,” were there times you felt you were performing more than relating to God? How does that feel now?

2. What would it look like for you to pray an honest prayer like the one above this week?

3. Who is one safe person you could share your story with in the next month?

4. Read John 17:3 slowly. What does it mean for you personally that eternal life is defined as knowing God?

5. How might remembering Philippians 1:6 change the way you see your current season of drifting?

References
Keller, T. (2008) The prodigal God. New York: Dutton.
Lewis, C.S. (1952) Mere Christianity. London: Geoffrey Bles.
Packer, J.I. (1973) Knowing God. London: Hodder & Stoughton.

For Further reading, I recommend:

https://timothykeller.com/books/the-prodigal-god